All content copyright © 2010-2024 Frank Revelo, www.frankrevelo.com
Strict tempo dancing means always stepping on musical beat. Rubato dancing means step timing drifts from beat, allowing dancers to more closely follow melody or higher rhythms of music. Leader has discretion in choosing exact step timing with rubato dancing, so artistry involved and possible for leader to be either good or bad rubato dancer.
[In music, tempo rubato, Italian for "robbed time", means duration taken from one musical note or measure and given to another. Note that document title reads "polyrhythm/rubato style" versus simply "rubato style". This is because it is much easier to apply rubato to polyrhythm step timing (e.g. 3 evenly spaced dance steps per 4 beat measure) than apply rubato to strict tempo step timing (e.g. quick-quick-slow or 3 dance steps on beats 1,2,3 and no step on beat 4), even though final result might be same. Thus polyrhythm step timing should be mastered first and rubato step timing afterwards, as will be discussed in detail later.]
Ultimate goal is to convert more of music to movement than just fundamental beat, and to focus more on complexity in time (step timing, acceleration and thus force, change of force) than in space (step direction, distance). For example, if bandoneón or piano playing on beats 1-2.5-4 (332 timing), step to that rhythm rather than fundamental 1-2-3-4 beat. For voice/violin singing/playing legato (normal in tango, staccato is exception), then reflect melody in both timing of steps and changes of acceleration/deceleration (thus creating changing force against follower's body). Follower should feel her body being carried along in synchrony to waves of musical sound, which should create bodily pleasure in her.
Assumption here is that followers want to feel bodily pleasure from tactile sensations, both external tactile sensations due to embrace and changing pressure of leader's body against hers, and internal tactile sensations (proprioception, kinaesthesia) due to changing acceleration and position of her body in space. In fact, many followers are not seeking bodily pleasure, but rather mental pleasure related to visual beauty of dance (as seen by either real or imagined spectators). That is, many dancers (both leaders and followers) focus primarily on visual versus tactile sense (plus auditory sense, of course, meaning music). If leader focused on tactile sense and follower focused on visual sense, resulting dance almost certain to be unenjoyable for both partners. See "motives for tango dancing" section for more on this topic.
As an aside, for leaders wanting to create maximum pleasure in followers, strive for excellence in all 4 factors which contribute to bodily pleasure of dance: music, partner, embrace, steps. Avoid dancing to music which doesn't inspire you or which you don't understand. Use cabeceo/mirada to ensure partner truly wants to dance with you rather than being merely reluctant to refuse your invitation. Use milonguero apilado embrace, with lead through torso, and pay attention to contact points other than torso: palms of hands, leader's arm against follower's back, possibly sides of heads. Note that good posture is foundation of good embrace. Finally, focus more on matching steps to music versus complexity of steps. All this advice about creating pleasure in follower applies to both strict tempo and rubato dance styles. (If 4 fingers for 4 factors discussed above, then thumb for miscellaneous factors: shoes; clothes; grooming; adequate physical fitness to allow good posture and thus good embrace; no neurosis regarding touching other people, especially people of opposite sex.)
Because steps not always on beat with rubato dancing, and exact step timing discretionary (depending on exactly which part of music leader converts to movement and how he converts), synchronization of partners typically requires constant apilado embrace and parallel walking system, implying that only simple steps possible and that follower "mirrors" leader, meaning timing, direction and speed of follower's step same as leader's, like mirror image. Elimination of complex steps compensated for by complexity of step timing, so rubato dancing should not feel boring, provided follower can appreciate leader's rubato conversion of music to movement. As previously noted, there is artistry involved in this conversion and artistic tastes differ, so follower failure to enjoy rubato tango dancing does not necessarily imply that either she or leader is incompetent.
(Stage dancers convert music to movement with complexity in both time and space simultaneously, especially in dramatic interpretations of modern tango music like that of Astor Piazzolla. Complexity in both time and space normally requires choreographing, meaning advance agreement as to movements followed by practicing what was agreed upon. Complexity in both time and space difficult with non-choreographed social dancing.)
I don't dance tango with men myself, so I can't directly estimate how many men dance what I call rubato style. Based on comments by women partners, I am not the only man to dance the way I do, however my style of dance is not that common. Main reason is probably that, while steps used with rubato dancing are trivially easy, musicality required is not trivial, and musicality is notoriously difficult to teach and learn. Typically, musicality develops gradually and naturally from simply listening to music. Leaders who initially have limited tango musicality cannot possibly lead rubato style, and they cannot learn and practice in slow motion because this would distort musical timing, which is essence of rubato style dancing. So they learn strict tempo style instead, which can be demonstrated and practiced in slow motion. Later, when these leaders do have sufficient tango musicality to dance rubato style, they are reluctant to do so because that would mean abandoning strict tempo dance skills they have mastered and starting all over again with a completely different style of dancing.
Another reason is that rubato dancing only works with followers whose sense of musicality is compatible with that of leader. Otherwise, leader's conversion of music to movement unlikely to create strong feeling of bodily pleasure in follower, and she will be bored and confused. Follower must additionally be: (a) comfortable being pressed against leader in apilado embrace—otherwise, she will miss subtlety of leader's movements; (b) comfortable giving leader total control of her body for duration of dance— otherwise, she will feel overly controlled; (c) willing to follow leader as he moves off-beat—otherwise, she will step too soon or too late, so as to remain on beat ("chasing beats"), and thereby lose synchronization with leader; (d) open-minded as to what constitutes good dancing—otherwise, despite any pleasure she felt while dancing, she will conclude dance was bad and leader incompetent because off beat and no complex steps; (e) able to cope with powerful bodily sensations aroused during dance—otherwise, she will panic. Only some followers at typical milongas meet all these criteria, typically less than 20%, based on my experiences in late 2010's at milongas in USA and Europe. (My success rate was much higher, like above 95%, in San Francisco in the 1990's, when partnering with older Argentine expats, many of whom had been listening to and dancing to tango music for over 50 years.) Lack of followers capable of enjoying rubato dancing probably tends to discourage leaders from trying it. Corollary is that leaders who lead rubato style should also be able to lead strict tempo style, in case follower cannot enjoy former. Also possible to alternate between rubato and strict tempo style, in case follower enjoys both.
Alternative view is leader should only dance style he truly enjoys, because only then can he dance with enthusiasm, which is required for good dancing, even if this means most followers will refuse to dance with him. With experience, all dancers tend to develop personal style which reflects their inner personality. Leaders "called" to rubato dancing may eventually have no choice but to follow this call if they want to continue enjoying tango dancing. Otherwise, they will eventually feel an unpleasant conflict between inner desires and outer actions, which may cause them give up dancing altogether.
In my actual practice of social tango dancing, I seldom directly use theory discussed in this document, but instead mostly "feel my way" to what works and what doesn't, then use theory to understand what I am doing, especially mistakes, so as to be more consistent in the future. Perhaps other leaders frustrated by limitations of strict tempo dancing and called to rubato dancing will find this document useful. More likely, they will first have to independently develop their own personal rubato style, and only then will my theoretical discussion make sense.
I am not entirely satisfied with terminology of strict tempo versus rubato style dancing, but alternatives seem worse. "Simple rhythm" versus "polyrhythm" misleading because, even though common situations of 5, 6 or 7 evenly spaced dance steps per 8 beats of music does produce polyrhythm between dance and music, this is only one possible form of rubato dancing. "On beat" versus "off beat" confusing because off beat without intention is simply incompetent. "Confined" versus "liberated" expresses my own feeling that dancing to strict tempo like being confined by straitjacket or by four walls which symbolize four beats, while dancing rubato style liberating, but not everyone feels this way. "Masculine" versus "feminine" and "yang" versus "yin" both have misleading connotations, plus latter terms only meaningful for those familiar with Taoism.
Apilado embrace (sometimes called "milonguero embrace") is required for rubato dancing: both leader and follower stand up straight, lift chest, lean forwards from ankles until torsos touch. If similar height, then connection at bottoms of ribcages, otherwise common for follower's ribcage to touch leader's abdomen.
Square-shape apilado embrace has leader and follower facing each other directly with follower positioned slightly to leader's right and looking over leader's shoulder (assuming she is similar height or taller, otherwise she can turn her head and rest against his chest).
V-shape apilado embrace has follower twisted at waist facing towards leader's head rather than over his shoulder, bringing mouths close together. There is also sometimes head contact in v-shape apilado embrace.
Doesn't matter how much pressure between leader and follower, as long as pressure constant. Follower creates pressure by leaning into leader, while still supporting her own weight. Leader supports her, which causes him to also lean forwards slightly. If pressure not constant, leader may grip follower tightly so as to force constant pressure. Rather than complaining about leader's "death grip", follower should focus on leaning with constant pressure against leader, which will normally cause leader to relax his grip automatically, since tight grip is hard work. (Maintaining constant pressure against leader in case of apilado embrace, or constant distance from leader in case of separated embrace, is hardest part about follower role.)
("Volcado" apilado embrace has partners leaning forwards until they begin to tip over and so must be supported by other partner leaning forwards. This embrace allows for some fancy moves but is uncomfortable unless back muscles are highly developed. Neither volcado apilado embrace nor volcado step, which is temporary strong forwards lean of follower against leader, will be discussed further in this document.)
Apilado embrace works best if follower similar in height to leader, assuming she is wearing heels and he is not. Slightly shorter also works well, since leader can bend knees slightly and follower can rise on toes slightly to equalize heights. If follower much shorter and has big breasts, and leader is lean, then hard lower edge of leader's ribcage may rub against follower's breasts, causing pain. If leader has big pot belly, then possibly much shorter follower could rest against that. I have no personal experience with pot belly connection, so not sure how well it works with rubato dancing. If follower much taller than leader, then upper part of leader's ribcage connects to bottom of follower's ribcage, which gives good connection. Much taller follower may block leader's forward view, however leader can compensate by moving sideways down line of dance rather than straight ahead.
Both leader and follower should close feet whenever possible, in order to look elegant. Leader cannot lead closing of follower's feet: she must do it herself. It is acceptable and common, especially with rubato dancing, for leader to initiate new step before follower completes her close.
Common apilado embrace errors:
1) Leaning backwards. Possibly follower not experienced with forwards leaning posture used in tango to walk backwards, which follower absolutely must master, regardless of whether apilado or other embrace, regardless of whether rubato or strict tempo dancing. Possibly follower doesn't want to get near leader: she should not have accepted his invitation. Possibly leader or follower is pushing pelvis forward so as to "grind" against partner: inappropriate behavior at milonga. Possibly leader is much taller than follower and so leans his head and shoulder girdle forwards to reach follower, causing her to lean back in compensation: either follower should rest side of her head against leader's chest (ideal solution), or leader and follower can simply avoid partners with big height mismatches, or leader can lower his torso by dancing with bent knees (tiring for leader and looks inelegant, but sometimes works okay, in my experience, with much shorter followers who do not understand how or are unwilling to rest side of head against leader's chest).
2) Standing vertical rather than leaning forwards. Vertical posture okay for separated embrace, but not apilado, because cannot generate pressure between torsos and simultaneously keep feet apart. If feet not apart and using square-shape apilado embrace, leader will either kick follower in shin or else step with his right leg between her legs. Leader's right leg between follower's legs is correct for ballroom dancing, but with Argentine tango it looks and feels inelegant.
3) Follower sticks out buttocks by bending at waist. Bend at waist sometimes used by expert followers to facilitate ochos, but average followers lack core flexibility for this to work. Bending at waist will eventually cause backache unless muscles highly trained. Sometimes followers bend at waist to accommodate leaders standing vertical rather than leaning forwards.
4) Pressure between torsos not constant. Usually follower's fault. Causes follower to lag leader slightly, rather than mirroring his movements perfectly, so that she bangs against him every time he changes direction. Choppy rather than smooth following.
5) Tension in arms, which is necessary for separated embrace but unnecessary and distracting in apilado.
6) Follower's hips unstable, so side-to-side motion as with salsa or hula dancing, or whole body limp or other break in connection between torso and feet, such that leader cannot control follower's feet by controlling her torso. Follower will not feel music through leader, so dancing will be boring to her, and she will be unable to follow precisely and hence will look and feel clumsy.
7) Follower hanging on leader. That is, pulling down rather than pushing directly forwards with ribcage.
8) Leader's right arm against follower's lower rather than upper back, which will eventually cause follower's back to bend excessively and thus cause backache.
9) Leader's right arm raised into follower's left armpit or his right hand reaching around into her right armpit. Leader should lower right arm enough to avoid touching follower armpit on either side, without lowering too far (see previous point). Ideally, crook of leader's right elbow should be snug against follower's ribcage, however slight gap between arm and ribcage is also acceptable and perhaps preferred by some followers.
10) Leader's left hand position uncomfortable for follower, especially leader's left hand pushed forward into follower's space or leader's left hand twisted so that follower's right shoulder forced to rotate excessively. Ideally, leader's left elbow and left palm should both be approximately in line with leader's hips, and leader's left palm should point towards his face at approximately shoulder height.
11) Leader or follower squeezing partner's fingers or pressing thumb against partner's hand.
Apilado embrace is not a recent innovation, contrary to what some internet commentators write. In the 1990's, when regularly attending milongas in San Francisco, I frequently danced with women born and raised in Buenos Aires and old enough to have grown up during the tango golden age. Almost always these women spontaneously entered apilado embrace without me explicitly requesting them to use it. (Also, these Argentine women obeyed the unwritten but important codigo that a woman who dances apilado with one man must dance apilado with all men whose invitation she accepts, assuming the man wants apilado. That is, women cannot be selective about dancing apilado, but rather must be selective about accepting invitations. Men who require apilado can thus know which women will accept this embrace by watching women dance with other men, without explicitly asking or having danced previously with these women themselves.)
(In discussion below, terms rubato and polyrhythm used interchangeably, which might be confusing. Polyrhythm with respect to fundamental beat is one common deviation from strict tempo used with rubato dancing, however other deviations also possible. Keep in mind that ultimate goal is dancing more closely to music, especially melody, which increases dance enjoyment in those with strong musical sensibility. Rubato and polyrhythm dancing are means of reaching this goal, not goals in themselves.)
For tango, most common rubato dancing step pattern consists of 3 or 5 more or less evenly spaced steps per 4 or 8 beats (3:4 and 5:8 polyrhythms, respectively), with step 1 on beat 1 and other steps off beat. Quick-quick-slow dancing, with 2 quick (1 beat) steps followed by 1 slow (2 beat) step, is not rubato dancing, since all 3 steps on beat. When melody stops but rhythm continues, dance on beat. Sometimes dance on beat even with melody playing. Underlying rhythm of tango is 4 regular beats per measure: masculine marching music. Rubato dancing softens this masculine quality of tango.
Tangos with strongly audible 3:4 polyrhythm within music itself include Di Sarli Anselmo Acuña el resero, 1943 and Pugliese Negracha, 1948.
If tango beat slow, dance 7 steps per 8 beats (7:8 polyrhythm), which might feel like alternating between 3 and 4 steps per measure. Similarly, 5:8 polyrhythm often feels like alternating between 3 and 2 steps per measure. As with strict tempo dancing, can occasionally pause and thus dance 1 or 0 steps per measure. Example of song where dancing alternate 7:8 and 3:4 polyrhythms works well is Donato Sinfonía de arrabal, 1940.
For very slow beat, such as Di Sarli El jagüel, 1956, 9 steps per 8 beats (9:8 polyrhythm) is appropriate for especially dramatic sections, alternating with slower step patterns elsewhere.
For Biagi tangos, dancing 5:8 polyrhythm usually works well, despite strong contrast with beat. It took me some time to figure out how to dance Biagi tangos in a way that satisfies my musical sensibility. (His milongas and valses never gave me difficulty.) My dance interpretation of Biagi was helped by listening carefully to his solo piano piece Cruz Diablo, 1927, his own composition and his first recording, which is never played at milongas. Another interesting example of early Biagi is alternate version of Gardel's recording of Lo han visto con otra, 1930 (skip to 2:39 of video), also never played at milongas.
Exact 3:4 polyrhythm is approximately beats 1 2.33 3.67, which is close to beats 1 2.5 4 of 332 rhythm, exact 5:8 polyrhythm is beats 1 2.6 4.2 1.8 3.4, which is close to beats 1 2.5 4 2 3.5 of 33433 rhythm, and exact 7:8 polyrhythm is approximately beats 1 2.14 3.29 4.43 1.57 2.71 3.86, which is close to beats 1 2 3.5 4.5 1.5 2.5 4 of 2322232 rhythm. (9:8 polyrhythm is typically used to align with legato violin or voice, so no associated rhythm.) For most dancers, breaking free of underlying 1234 beat is what is difficult. Whereas applying rubato to 3:4, 5:8, or 7:8 polyrhythms to align with 332, 33433 or 2322232 rhythms of piano or bandoneón is easy, assuming those instruments are dominant and playing rhythms just listed, since dancers with musical ability naturally want to align with music. This is one reason why I prefer to think in terms of polyrhythm and rubato applied to polyrhythm, versus thinking directly in terms of 332, 33433 or 2322232 rhythms. Another reason is that piano or bandoneón might not be playing rhythms just listed or dominant instrument might be violin or voice playing/singing legato, so rubato only way to align with music. Finally, practice dancing to 3:4, 5:8 or 7:8 polyrhythms, while counting 1234 aloud without music, is easier than practice dancing to 332, 33433 or 2322232 rhythms.
Tango vals has 4 "oom-pah-pah" measures per phrase, where "oom" is stressed beat and "pah" is weak beat, so 4 stressed beats per phrase. Dancers only count stressed beats, and number them as 1234. Strict tempo pattern of 5 steps per phrase on beats 1 1.5 2 3 4 ("quick, quick, slow, slow, slow") can be slightly modified to produce polyrhythm pattern of 5 evenly spaced steps per phrase, which can then be further refined by applying rubato to these 5 steps. For slower vals, try 6 evenly spaced steps in 4 beats (steps 1 and 4 on beat, remaining steps off-beat). Difference between strict tempo and rubato step patterns is small but has powerful effect on feel of dance. Simplicity of vals rhythm makes it ideal starting point for leaders new to rubato dancing. Vals also useful for testing follower ability to dance rubato style. Unfortunately, my experience is that followers sometimes dance rubato style vals perfectly but then stumble terribly with rubato style tango, so test isn't fully reliable.
Milonga inherently has irregular 3122 rhythm (counting half beats), so stressed beats counted "1 uh uh 2 3 uh 4 uh", and thus doesn't gain as much from rubato dancing as tango and tango vals. Many strict tempo dancers ignore milonga's irregularity and instead dance as if it had 4 evenly spaced beats, which robs milonga of its sensuality ("un ritmo desigual, tan sensual"). Much better is to alternate between following step patterns, using actual irregular milonga stressed beats: 3 steps on beats 1 2 4, or 4 steps on beats 1 2 3 4, or 5 steps on beats 1 * 2 3 4 where * halfway between stressed beats 1 and 2. Optionally, rubato can be applied to these step patterns.
Leader can discover best step timing to use with different songs by practice dancing alone, alternating between strict tempo and polyrhythm options to feel what works best. Even better, dance alone in follower's role: eyes closed, walking backwards, pushed by music, similar to how real followers are pushed by leader. Because follower mirrors leader with rubato dancing, whatever feels good to leader dancing alone should also feel good to follower. Compare with strict tempo dancing, where complex steps feel different for leader and follower.
For tango, start with strict tempo dancing: 4 steps in 4 beats, 2 steps in 4 beats, 3 steps per 4 beats in quick-quick-slow pattern. Then try 3:4 (=6:8) polyrhythm timing: 3 equal length steps which together sum to 4 beats of musical time. Then experiment with 5:8, 7:8 and 9:8 polyrhythm timings. For vals, most important polyrhythms are 5:4 and 6:4 (5 or 6 steps in 4 stressed beats). After mastering polyrhythm timings, apply rubato to polyrhythm to match steps even more closely to music. (My own practice is opposite: start by dancing closely to music, then count steps and beats to determine what is happening. Beginning rubato leaders probably can't do this.)
Trick for mastering polyrhythm timimg: use audio brain (hearing) to count beats, use visual brain to count steps. (Or perhaps audio for left hand, visual for right hand, in case of pianists, drummers and other musicians.) My visualization is location of my footsteps on dance floor.
Eventually, leader should be able to imagine himself dancing without actually moving his body, making it possible to practice while sitting or lying down and listening to music. Leader should respect music: subtract musical elements that cannot be danced socially, but add nothing. Music should lead leader, then leader in turn leads follower.
If music leads leader and leader leads follower, then who leads musicians, including composer, arranger, bandleader, vocalist, instrumentalists, recording engineers, deejay? Answer: human body is both ultimate leader and ultimate follower. Good dancing is whatever feels good to body. Good dance music is encoding of good dancing. To produce good dance music, musicians must feel with their bodies what follower will ultimately feel in hers. Musicians convert imagined pleasurable bodily movement into sound, which leader converts into real bodily movement, giving both leader and follower bodily pleasure.
Follower should not try to decipher step pattern. Instead, she should focus on feeling how music reflected in leader's movements. Ideally, she should feel carried along by music, with leader acting as transmission mechanism. Leader becomes extension of loudspeakers, so to speak, except he only transmits parts of music, since impossible for human body to move fast enough to transmit all of music. Quality of leader's dancing determined by which parts of music he chooses to transmit and how well transmitted version matches original.
Erect, energized, graceful posture at all times: body straight, chest lifted, core slightly tensed to limit side-to-side hip motion, leaning slightly forwards from ankles. Demonstrate how forwards lean ensures forwards steps will always be shorter than backwards steps, so simplified single track walking acceptable. Backwards walk particularly important, since it will feel unnatural initially. Leaders can step either heel first (common among Argentinian men, wearing shoes with elevated heels) or on front of foot (my preferred way of tango walking, wearing shoes with non-elevated heels). Walk softly, without slamming feet against floor, regardless of whether stepping heel first or front of feet first. Students who cannot gracefully walk/dance alone to tango music certainly cannot dance well with partner.
Embrace can be: (a) square-shape apilado; (b) V-shape apilado; (c) separated, with indirect lead through arms. Beginners using apilado embrace may require temporary separation to allow forward ochos. Distance between dancers in separated embrace can be anywhere from zero to arm's length. Square-shape apilado embrace should be learned first, initially practicing with same sex partner. Rubato dancers must use either square-shape or v-shape apilado embrace because of need to precisely synchronize step timing, which requires torso to torso contact. Step timing easier to synchronize with strict tempo dancing. Beginners favor separated embrace because it is more forgiving of bad posture, bad leading/following skills, limited waist flexibility in follower when doing ochos. Widely separated embrace also favored by dancers who dislike close bodily contact.
Experiment with various positions for leader's left hand, using partners of different heights. Reminders about uncomfortable grip, arm position, bodily hygiene (bad body or mouth odors, excessive perfume/cologne, unwashed clothes) and other factors which make for unpleasant embrace.
Demonstrate complexity possible using apilado embrace and basic mirror steps: change weight; directional step (forwards, backwards, side, diagonal); pivot with directional step; rock back to starting point after directional step. Non-mirror beginner steps: open side walking; simple 3 step turn/giro (open and closed sides); forward ocho cortado (open and closed sides); backwards ochos (enter/exit crossed walking system). Remind both leader and follower to close feet after each step.
To practice apilado embrace and torso lead, initially have follower raise both her hands in air and also close her eyes. Apilado torso connection then becomes only way to receive lead. Beginner dancers might try to connect torsos by bending forwards from waist rather than ankles: watch for and correct this common error.
Students should practice partnering with all other students of compatible height. If follower complains of tight grip by all leaders, she is probably to blame. That is, grip is probably tight because follower is not pressing her torso against leader's torso, as required with apilado embrace, and thus leader has to compensate with tight grip. If follower only complains about one leader, and other followers also complain only about that leader, then he is almost certainly to blame.
Core instability common posture problem in beginner followers, which breaks connection between torso and feet, meaning leader cannot control follower's feet by controlling her torso. Leading feels like wrestling match, or like steering wobbly versus stable bicycle. Demonstrate walking with exaggerated instability, so side to side motion of hips as with salsa or hula dancing, then compare with stable tango walk: "Walk like cat, not like cow".
Coordination of step timing only possible if follower gives control of her body to leader. Rebellious follower balks until she understands where she is being lead, only moves when she is ready, puts foot down when she wants, not when leader wants. Disregard for leader's step timing acceptable with strict tempo dancing, but absolutely unacceptable for rubato dancing. Cooperative follower trusts and obeys without thinking, so that she and leader move as harmonious unit. With rubato dancing, cooperative follower mirrors leader's movements exactly, in both direction and timing.
Summary of requirements to follow rubato dancing leader: 1) Good posture; 2) Apilado embrace; 3) Give control of body to leader so that he can precisely control step timing.
Beginner awkwardness and lack of self confidence is acceptable in followers but not leaders. Even slight awkwardness or lack of self confidence in leader will be detected by follower and cause her to lose trust in leader, which will then likely cause her to balk at his lead, then leader will detect her mistrust, causing him to further lose self confidence, and so on in negative feedback loop. True self confidence comes from practice of repeatedly doing things correctly. Pretending to be confident without underlying mastery of skills manifests as brutality.
Metaphorically speaking, rubato style leader like violinist, follower like violin. Just as defective violin cannot produce good music, no matter how skilled the musician, likewise defective follower (bad posture, lack of apilado embrace, refusal to give control of body to leader) cannot produce good dancing, no matter how skilled the leader. To eyes of audience, little difference between great versus average violinists, whereas huge difference to ears. Likewise, spectators may see no difference between dancing led by great versus average rubato leaders, whereas follower may experience great bodily pleasure with former and boredom with latter.
Music appreciation necessary to lead well, follow well or even be competent spectator of tango dancing. Students should have listening library of at least 1000 songs (900 tangos, 50 milongas, 50 tango valses), representing all major orchestras of both Old Guard era and Golden Age (Biagi, Caló, Canaro, Carabelli, De Angelis, D'Agostino, D'Arienzo, De Angelis, De Caro, Demare, Di Sarli, Donato, Firpo, Fresedo, Laurenz, Lomuto, Maglio, Malerba, Pugliese, Rodríguez, Tanturi, Troilo, Típica Los Provincianos, Típica Victor), to which they should practice dancing alone, to develop appreciation for music and improve dance skills. Assuming songs average 3 minutes in length, dancing alone twice to each of 1000 songs would take about 100 hours, or slightly over 3 months at 1 hour of practice per day. Additional listening highly advised. After enough practice with enough different music, leader should be able to skillfully lead and follower to follow with appreciation even to tango songs they have never listened to previously. (Free tango music MP3s available at https://www.eltangoysusinvitados.com, or use internet streaming service such as YouTube or Spotify.)
Close hold tango dancing only works well when both partners truly want to dance with one another, versus merely acquiescing to other person's desire. Understand and use cabeceo/mirada to make, solicit, accept and refuse invitations. Women need to become comfortable repeatedly refusing men's invitations, since women are doing no one a favor by dancing without enthusiasm. Men must become comfortable with repeated rejection. Men and women alike may have good but non-evident reasons for not inviting/accepting: tired, not in good mood, waiting for another partner, don't like music, etc. Women should avoid directly inviting men, since very few women can tolerate open rejection by men, and instead should use mirada to solicit invitations. Men who "mercy dance" with women are making the same mistake as women who mercy dance with men. Unenthusiastic dancing is usually bad dancing, and bad dancing is worse than not dancing at all: learn to enjoy sitting and listening to music!
Sexual feelings large part of appeal of tango dancing, both to young dancers, for whom prospect of finding sexual mate is part of appeal of tango dancing, as well as older dancers, who want to avoid complications of real sex with variety of short-term partners. On the other hand, sexual feelings aroused during tango dancing may present difficulties for dancers who are sexually inhibited or have other issues regarding relations to opposite sex. Sometimes dancers use tango dancing as therapy to overcome sexual issues. Instructors who can help with this process are providing valuable service to students, justifying high pay. Of course, instructor must be tactful in how they address sexual issues in students. Depending on nature of problem and student, same or opposite sex instructor better able to help. Highly advisable for students to initially dance with same sex partners, so issues with posture, embrace, steps and musicality can be addressed separately from issues with sexuality.
Good explanations of square-shape apilado embrace by Carlos Neuman: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=19X5RENEhgk, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifuAD2Vspew. Slow motion demonstration of apilado dancing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mbUF0Ig1Y0. Examples of apilado and other embraces at Buenos Aires milongas: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LpWVchhN1iY.
Another explanation of square-shape apilado embrace (here called milonguero style embrace) by George and Christie of Dance Vision : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_lX-5n52sU. Man instructor advises that leader should walk forwards heel first, however that is not strictly necessary and not my practice, which is for more aggressive forward lean by leader and leader stepping flat or front foot first, imitating cat. Woman instructor advises that follower should take step timing from leader, use leader's timing, never anticipate any particular timing, which is a point I myself emphasize over and over, because failure to follow leader's timing exactly is a common and difficult to fix error of followers, in my experience.
Good demonstrations and explanations of V-shape apilado embrace by Miriam Larici & Leonardo Barrionuevo: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zdk-wDB5P_w, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7COH4X5bADU, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wuMRrUEyZ5A, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvH_dtc5OHg, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNjSJ_VvMVs, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xx7S-aOKQ1w.
Another explanation and demonstration of apilado embrace (called simply close embrace in video) by Pablo and Anne of Tango-Space: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sD7576fxf9Y
Examples of social dancing at typical Buenos Aires milonga (Lo de Celia Tango Club): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I56gwpHUKuo, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxfzBwSAf8M, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9OZNZv7VqJk, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3uBh4XSXl0. Last example features Ismael Heljalil leading unknown follower to Pugliese tango, which should be danced slowly, as shown.
Exhibitions by Carlos Neuman and Charlene Chiu: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qq6qgwE2cuQ, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7w6Q-3NeoQc, Carlos Neumann and Angela Baciu: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jneNp5Ruj3I, Carlos Neumann and Natalya: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RwAZ_mPLGvU, Carlos Neumann and ???: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SIsjArP1xJY, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wa1KuQPohUE. All these videos worth studying carefully as examples of excellent social dancing that would not be too difficult for intermediate level leaders/followers.
Exhibitions by Nestor Ray and Patricia García: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vqxpVxwZ_zg, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQmIxmfKsiE. Exhibition by Nestor Ray and Silvina Valz: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbvrS2tnGa8. Many other YouTube videos of Nestor Ray demonstrate stage rather than social style dancing. I was fortunate to be able to take instruction in-person from Nestor Ray and to frequently watch him dancing in San Francisco in the late 1990's, when he was a regular at milongas there for part of each year.
Exhibitions by Noelia Hurtado and Carlitos Espinoza: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P9IktXuyttg, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0zUP8BIDaE, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DOb3FvWF7dg. Beautiful apilado embrace, especially first video. Following exhibition is stage dancing rather than social dancing, but well worth watching nevertheless: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BEzp5w0u9g0.
Exhibition by Felipe Zarzar and Patricia Mori: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zGUkPYZVTgM. Don't judge followers until you've seen them in action.
Exhibitions by Felipe Zarzar and Mamié Sancy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LslfPMeoM9A, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zo-pyBXOps, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6124hKmQpHk, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eeDVK4nhjss. Most dancing shown in these videos is suitable for social dancing.
Exhibition by Che Carlitos and Mamié Sancy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=go21_oGaAu8. Everything except high back kick near end suitable for social dancing.
Exhibitions by Osvaldo y Coca Cartery: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xb0ETp_uRpA, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_KMLkqjWQ4. Everything suitable for social dancing (though leader high steps only acceptable if leader positioned so no risk to other couples).
Exhibitions by Chino Perico and Paola Tacchetti: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RV63PK9p1N4, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ulzdkkz_02k, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxV5K6HaVpQ, and by Chino Perico and Malena Rodriguez: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rlVMuqItCjE, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KbH2S95_qOo, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LY1ny2uPM_g. Style similar to that of Carlos Neuman. Good model for intermediate level dancers and entirely appropriate for traditional Buenos Aires milongas, other than high kicks, which should be eliminated or kept lower in crowded conditions.
Exhibition by Antonio Martinez and Monica Paz: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53eJSvLwIiQ. Everything suitable for social dancing, including in crowded conditions.
Exhibitions by Pocho y Nelly Fernando: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lxclb5Z--hg, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vi4_JExd4Zw, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qvoPyexSPkg.
Exhibitions by Shastro and Maria: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjOBovaoh44, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9IRzQ-y7Px0, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUTc6TIr7s4. "Simple can be beautiful." All moves suitable for social dancing, though straight ahead walking only possible on non-crowded floors.
Exhibitions by Ned Sabi and Nina: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-vkSbD9ZJ0, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sVtdPTwG_K8, and Ned Sabi & Tamara Kleva: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Qko32Im8w0, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRen8BsMdMY. High kicks should be avoided in crowded milongas.
Exhibitions by Ruben Harymbat y Mirta Tiseyra: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPBS5YzXDhk, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R-gJSYdF-qo, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmXG4rV4jYI.
Exhibition by Ruben Harymbat y Maria Plazaola: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KjZaCaPg2qc.
Ruben Harymbat (and Olga Matveeva?) at Buenos Aires nightclub: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V2Bt_Ne9tbw. Perhaps best example in this document of what beginning leaders should aspire towards.
Exhibitions by Armando Orzuza and Nuria Martinez: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HM5QmNr2Nk, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZn7AYvMYGA.
Exhibitions by Gerardo Portalea y Susanna: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pORg6wxeV6Q, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MxiJ9KyLqTQ. Not apilado embrace, not on beat, and not timing I would dance, but worth studying carefully.
Exhibitions by Amanda Lucero and Beto Ayala: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUxVZUtRfA8, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GX-nunHKNqs, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLD-Y5ptZ0s. Everything suitable for social dancing at milongas.
Exhibitions by Adela Galeazzi y Santiago Cantenys: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3iaIGV7pog, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUL453JA7qg. Everything suitable for social dancing at milongas.
Exhibitions by Eduardo "El Nene" Masci y Roxana L'Arco: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrMVK2d1jW0, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7_SnTbEqJA, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tgzs_B2oTy4, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JGwTcJJZ1I. Everything suitable for social dancing at milongas, provided room available for back kicks.
Exhibitions by Murat Erdemsel and Silvina Tse: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DkTiW2Fv6Kw, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_X6zSKfns0, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOFxTToSiP8. Step timing often what this document calls "rubato". Dancing mostly suitable for milongas.
Exhibition by Christine Lambert & Antonio Llamas: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4J6crZm5OEE. Foxtrot rather than tango rhythm (originally by Argentine woman vocalist Tormenta, here recorded by Cruz Montenegro and orchestra Enrique Rodríguez). Dancing not suitable for social dancing at crowded milongas, especially follower kicks, but would be acceptable on mostly empty dance floor.
Extracts from Argentine Films of 1930's, showing tango dancing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZ5_WMIQ988. Dancers enjoying themselves with compatible partner more interesting to watch than dancers primarily trying to impress audience. So even if ultimate goal is to impress audience, best way to accomplish that is to focus first on your and your partner's enjoyment. Starting at 1:10 is exhibition by El Cachafaz, legendary old guard era tango dancer, renowned for his elegant style according to todotango.com, however wild kick and hippity-hopping shown in film extract would make him a laughing stock at modern milongas. And to think that some people call my rubato style of tango dancing unorthodox! (Another film extract with same El Cachafaz exhibition additionally demonstrates original meaning of cabeceo at 0:55. Tango music and dancing, like Dixieland jazz music and dancing, has its roots in brothel culture. Using cabeceo to invite an unknown woman to dance torso pressed against torso and mouths almost touching would have been unthinkable in respectable Argentine society of the early 20th century.)
Extract from 1951 Argentine film Direcho Viejo, showing Lita y Jose Mendez dancing in orillero style: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yTmyIvYvzrQ.
Exhibition by Anna and Osvaldo of canyengue style tango dancing that was popular in early 20th century: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsvBwPcvruk.
Exhibition by Eleonora Kalganova and Michael Nadtochi: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xFOrJ0rcaJU. Dancers follow music very closely, however, this is stage dancing and it would be considered disrespectful to other couples on the dance floor to dance this way at a traditional Buenos Aires milonga. When dancing alone, Ms Kalganova shines even more brightly, with extraordinarily closeness between music and her movements: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nu3E4WTN_kQ, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5YdcYwvaZU. Sometimes when women at milongas express frustration at simplicity of my dance style, I give them opportunity to put on solo performance, by sitting and watching without inviting them to dance with me, but then they express frustration at that as well.
Spectacular exhibition by Eleonora Kalganova and Tarek Marroushi: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-VoOpo9u9oY. Surprisingly tepid applause by audience, probably bored by one spectacular exhibition after another, same boredom I experience watching videos of these spectacular exhibitions.
Exhibitions by Murat Erdemsel and Eleonora Kalganova: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qlmMFeOxZw, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JeqalZvqmXk, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8i5vVZAlR6s. Another example of stage dancing. Step timing often what this document calls "rubato". I would have preferred to see these superb dancers go an entire song just doing mirror steps, rather than obscuring the musicality with step fanciness.
YouTube offers unlimited selection of videos of tango dancing that would be inappropriate at traditional milongas (because ostentatious or dangerous due to wild kicks), or that disrepects and has no relation to music, or both. Unfortunately, such anti-social dancing is what mostly attracts and influences beginners.
Motive for dance participants can be outer-oriented, focused on visual appearance to real or imaginary spectators, or inner-oriented, focused on tactile bodily sensations of dancer and partner. In addition to dance participants, there are also often non-dancing attendees at tango dancing milongas, whose motive similar to that of audience at ballet: namely, entertainment and socializing. That is, they prefer to watch other people dance rather than dance themselves, or they simply listen to music, talk, drink, eat, and otherwise enjoy milonga atmosphere.
Outer-oriented performance art motive common among young women dancers, who still harbor dreams of being famous ballerinas on stage, applauded by audience at conclusion of performance. Outer-oriented bodily skill mastery motive similar to motive of sports participants. Outer-oriented dancers of all types focus more on how dancing looks to audience (imaginary audience, if practicing) than how dance feels internally. Outer-oriented dancers often competitive about position in hierarchy of dancers ranked by skill level.
Inner-oriented dancing produces intimate connection between partners, with degree of intimacy closer to that of conversation than sexual intercourse, though best analogy would be intimacy of hug (of person of opposite sex, typically), while dressed and moving to music, because that is what tango dancing in close embrace literally amounts to. Note how odd-sounding is idea of stage performances or televised competitions regarding conversation, sexual intercourse or hugging. On the other hand, it does make sense to speak of skill level regarding conversation and sexual intercourse, especially of active partner. However, skill level in these activities is often uncorrelated with years of experience or hours of instruction: some people are naturally good at conversation and sexual intercourse, other not so good. In any case, "good" is subjective judgement by partners of each activity: good conversation, sexual intercourse or hugging partner for me may be bad for you, and vice-versa. Finally, most people would regard it as very rude if someone with whom they were engaged in conversation, sexual intercourse or hugging were less focused on intimate connection between partners than on impressing bystanders or spectators (imaginary bystanders/spectators in case of sexual intercourse, which is typically done in private, though there are swing parties where multiple couples engage in sexual intercourse in one large room, frequently exchanging partners, similar to how tango dancers frequently exchange partners).
Inner-oriented mate-seekers use tango dance connection to test compatibility for sexual intercourse connection, and typically care less about dance skills than age, bodily appearance and other factors relevant to mating. Experience-seekers are curious regarding inner nature of other people, and may prefer quantity of dance connections over quality. Pleasure-seekers use dancing as surrogate (supplement or substitute) for sexual intercourse or other bodily connections (massage, hugging), and typically prefer repeated connections with reliably good partners. Some pleasure-seekers are too old or sick or busy for sexual intercourse, others unable to find partner for sexual intercourse because higher standards for such partners than dance partners, others currently in monogamous sexual relationship and not willing to be non-monogamous but nevertheless desirous of quasi-sexual variety, others simply get as much or even more bodily pleasure from tango dancing as from sexual intercourse or other bodily connections (massage, hugging).
Multiple motives possible. For example, entertainment and socializing motive when taking rest break from dancing, performance art or bodily skill mastery motive with particularly skilled partners, mate-seeking motive with partners considered potential mates, experience-seeking motive with new partners, pleasure-seeking motive with known good partners.
Dance instructors special case of outer-oriented motive when demonstrating before students, and special case of inner-oriented motive when dancing with individual students and focusing on how student feels in their arms. At milongas, instructors typically outer-oriented, advertising dance skills so as to attract customers, though no reason they cannot additionally have inner-oriented motives (mate-seeking, experience-seeking, pleasure-seeking).
Mate-seeking dancers sometimes repeat beginner class over and over but never go to milongas, which is perfectly logical: mate-seekers sometimes don't like either tango music or tango dancing, hence would feel out of place at milongas; usually larger percentage of mate-seekers of opposite sex at classes than at milongas; repeating class gives exposure to fresh group of potential mates (unless everyone repeats class). Advertising possibility of finding mate is excellent way for instructors to increase attendance at beginner classes.
Inner-oriented dancing (mate-seeking, experience-seeking, pleasure-seeking motives) tends to be incompatible with outer-oriented dancing (performance art and bodily skill mastery motives). At center city Buenos Aires milongas traditionally focused on inner-oriented dancing, outer-oriented dancing disparaged by expression "bailar para las mesas", which translates as "dance for the tables" [where spectators are seated], as opposed to "bailar para su pareja", or "dance for your partner". Best way for inner-oriented dancers to deal with outer-oriented dancers is give them what they really want: audience rather than partner. That is, sit and watch them dance rather than dancing with them yourself.
Inner-oriented dancers should treat each dance as if it were only opportunity to ever connect with partner. For experience-seekers who constantly seek out new partners, this may be literally true. For mate or pleasure seekers, future connections more likely if present connection good. Men following traditional tango etiquette should always forgive refusal of cabeceo (invitation), and women should always forgive refusal of mirada (solicitation of invitation), however bad dances may not be forgiven. Thus avoid dancing when not feeling in top form or otherwise unable to give 100%.
Outer-oriented dancers (performance art and bodily skill mastery motives) often very enthusiastic about tango dancing for several years, then lose enthusiasm upon reaching high level of skill proficiency. Dancers most likely to persist are those whose motives are pleasure-seeking and/or entertainment and socializing. Older women often despair at not getting invitations to dance: they should learn to enjoy tango music enough to enjoy attending milongas even without dancing. Such deep appreciation of tango music would also greatly improve their ability to dance with rubato style dancers. I personally have frequently enjoyed sitting for an entire 4+ hour milonga without dancing once.
Traditional gender roles: feminine seeks pleasure, masculine seeks power to generate pleasure. Musicians are masculine, music listeners are feminine. Excellence of musician measured by ability to generate pleasure in listener. Excellence of listener measured by ability to feel pleasure from music. Excellence of man as lover measured by ability to generate sexual pleasure in woman. Excellence of woman as lover measured by ability to feel sexual pleasure. Excellence of dance leader measured by ability to generate bodily pleasure in partner. Excellence of dance follower measured by ability to feel bodily pleasure while partner dancing. External appearance does not necessarily correlate with pleasure generated by musician, man lover, dance leader, or with pleasure felt by music listener, woman lover, dance follower.
Masculine actively creates form, feminine passively adapts to existing form, like water which takes shape of container. In the long run, water can erode container into new shape, and feminine in general can eventually control masculine using purely feminine methods. Listeners who consistently prefer certain musicians will ultimately cause musicians to accommodate their tastes, without explicitly instructing musicians or even thinking about what is good music. Attractive women who prefer certain types of sex and dancing will ultimately cause men to accommodate their tastes, without explicitly instructing men or even thinking about what is good sex or dancing. Feminine power acts by moving towards that which causes pleasure and away from that which causes pain (boredom, annoyance). Obviously, outside realm of sex and dance, perfectly normal for biological women to act masculine. Similarly, biological men take on feminine role when listening to music. Loutish listeners with bad taste and unattractive women both lack feminine power, because musicians/men don't care what they want.
Masculine skill outgoing, thus easy to evaluate and critique, allowing for learning via feedback. Listeners can critique musicians, sex instructor woman can critique sex student man, dance instructor follower can critique dance student leader. Feminine skill not outgoing, so difficult to evaluate or critique or improve via feedback. If music listener or woman lover or dance follower does not initially enjoy music, sex, or dancing, respectively, how can they learn to enjoy? Inability to feel sexual pleasure sometimes called frigidity.
Most difficult aspect of masculine role, for both sex and dancing, is "projecting" into woman, so that she feels her body being controlled by man as opposed to controlling her body herself. If done right, external control normally generates pleasure in woman. (Many women object to external control, which raises question of why they bother with men. Why not dance alone? Why not masturbate instead of sex with men?) Much easier to teach technical aspects of masculine role, whether for sex or dancing, than "projecting" control into woman.
In the past, when sexual intercourse outside marriage was tightly regulated in western society, especially for young women, social dancing had four functions: (1) test sexual compatibility prior to marriage; (2) teach young people HOW to test sexual compatibility and also train young people for marriage, by having inexperienced young people dance with older partners; (3) opportunity for older people to socialize; (4) advertise sexual attractiveness of prostitute to prospective clients. First three functions applied to "respectable" dance venues, last applied to brothels. Choosing sexually compatible marriage partner was especially important for women, because prohibition on divorce meant no way to leave unhappy marriage, right of husband to demand sexual access meant unhappy marriage could be exceedingly unhappy for wife, severe punishment of extra-marital sex by women meant no way to gain even sliver of sexual happiness to offset unhappiness. (Extra-marital sex was also usually restricted for men, though not punished so severely as for women. Plus men are simpler in their sexual tastes than women, so less difficult for man to determine if woman sexually compatible than vice-versa, and less unhappiness if man made incorrect determination.)
In modern western society, traditional marriage, in which wife obediently follower husband's lead for life, in exchange for being allowed to stay home and raise children and not be abandoned when she is old, has been mostly replaced by temporary partnership of more or less equal rights and responsibilities, which dissolves as soon as disagreement arises or husband ceases to be of use to wife, whichever occurs first. Follower role in social dancing advertises woman's willingness to follow lead of husband in traditional type marriage, and also trains young women to be wives by having them dance with older men who know how to confidently lead. Similarly, young men are trained to be husbands by dancing with older women who encourage men to confidently lead and punish weakness in men rather than punishing strength. Women who reject traditional marriage and sex roles also naturally reject follower role in social dancing, and argue that "leading" actually means "suggesting" and it is up to follower to either do what was suggested, or do something else if she doesn't like what was suggested, or perhaps end dance before end of song if leader makes too many irritating suggestions. Similarly, modern wife can either do what her husband suggests, do something else, or divorce man if she gets tired of his suggestions. Other modern men and women desexualize social dancing by focusing more on bodily skills required to produce visually impressive dance than intimate embrace between partners of opposite sex. Function of testing sexual compatibility and training for marriage has thus been mostly eliminated in modern social dancing, other than for those few young people still interested in traditional marriage.
Function of advertising sexual attractiveness of prostitutes to clients has been replaced in modern social dancing by inner-oriented motives discussed previously in this document: mate-seeking (for temporary relationship between equals versus permanent relationship between unequal marriage partners), experience-seeking, pleasure-seeking. These inner motives do not require learning difficult dances like tango, nor for woman to obediently follow man's lead, but merely require close bodily connection between partners, as in primitive pelvis to pelvis and pelvis to buttocks grinding dances that occur in popular music nightclubs. (Few women at milongas are literal prostitutes, however prostitution and promiscuity both involve frequent change of sex partners and flaunting of sexuality by young women, which has far more significant effects on individuals and society than transfers of money from man to woman, which occur even in traditional marriage. Hardly surprising that immigrants from traditional societies regard most young women in modern western societies as being effectively prostitutes.)
Finally, there is socializing function, but this doesn't require lead-follow social dancing.
In other words, lead-follow social dances like tango are mostly obsolete, given changes in social attitudes towards marriage, sex roles and sexuality in general, so no surprise that popularity of lead-follow dancing is small compared to other social activities in modern society.
1) Prematurely end dance. Rude and does not give useful feedback to follower. I never use this option unless follower is endangering other dancers with wild kicks.
2) Give follower oral instruction. Violation of milonga etiquette and never helps, even when follower explicitly asks for instruction (speaking from experience here). I never use this option.
3) Grip follower tightly and thus force her to follow. Only works for skilled followers who are initially confused by rubato style dancing and merely need to be alerted to pay closer attention. With such skilled followers, only necessary to use slight amount of force for brief amount of time. For example, if leader is dancing 3 rubato steps per measure and follower is "chasing beats", then grip her tightly for 2 off-beat steps but release grip for on-beat step (beat 1). Follower should get hint after 2 or so measures. This is my default initial option. If it doesn't work, use one of the following options.
4) Switch from rubato to strict tempo dancing and otherwise simplify dance style to match skill level of follower. For leaders who don't mind dancing at lower skill level, this option works fine. But for leaders like me, who would rather not dance at all than dance poorly, being forced to use this option means I will likely never again invite follower to dance but she won't know why, whether because of her poor dance skills or something she said or some other reason. Less immediate unpleasantness but more delayed hurt, plus lack of feedback means no improvement. In other words, for leaders who intensely dislike strict tempo dancing, this option results in tango dancing equivalent of "ghosting": dropping lover, friend or business associate from your life without telling them why. Another problem with this option is that leader might forget unsatisfying but not really horrible dance and so mistakenly invite follower again in the future, leading to yet another unsatisfying dance, or he might confuse bad followers with similar looking good followers, possibly even good followers with whom he has danced previously, and so miss out on future dances with good followers. As a general rule, open and honest communication is best, assuming people can handle honesty. Unfortunately, experience teaches that too many people cannot handle honesty and so best to avoid confrontation.
5) Dance without regard for follower's inability to follow, so that dance looks and feels terribly clumsy. Advantage over option 4 is that resulting dance will be so bad that follower will definitely know that either she or leader has dance skills problem, plus both leader and follower should remember one another and avoid dancing again. If follower later notices leader dancing gracefully with other followers, this should suggest to her that it is she who lacks dance skills, not leader, and so she will know she needs to get feedback on what she is doing wrong, either at a practica or at a private lesson with an instructor. Of course, if leader gets stuck with one bad follower after another, all these followers will quite reasonably conclude that it is leader who has dance skills problem, not them. Therefore, this option only works if bad followers (meaning those who cannot or will not follow rubato style leading) are uncommon.
6) Switch to open embrace and let the woman dance on her own (forward ochos, boleos and other adornments) without leading her in any way. I would never initiate this option on my own, however several times women have pushed me away and started dancing on their own while I stand there without moving and support her during her ocho frenzy. Which brings up a question addressed elsewhere in this document: what exactly are men leaders offering women followers? Evidently, these women who separate and dance on their own want something from me, because they sometimes solicit further dances from me later.
No better way to evaluate sexual compatibility, besides act of sex itself, than dancing tango in apilado embrace. So first priority, upon encountering partner who sexually attracts you, should be to dance as many tandas with them as possible. "Where do you usually dance?" communicates that you want to dance again with this partner, while their reply tells you exactly how to arrange future meetings. Even if partner doesn't currently reciprocate your interest, pressure on them is minimal with this simple question.
Aside from being completely inappropriate behavior at milongas, crude physical expressions of sexual interest are often counter-productive. Dancers are usually aware that other people at milonga are watching everything that happens, and so they may take safe and easy road of immediate rejection, even when interest is reciprocated, simply to avoid gossip. Such immediate rejection then creates awkwardness that is difficult to recover from. Examples of crude behavior: grinding pelvis against partner; stroking back or neck; groping breasts or buttocks; kissing; squeezing back or arm muscles. Much better way to express interest is say you enjoyed dance together and hope to dance again in the future: avoid crudity, focus initially on dancing rather than sex.
Most elegant way for two partners to express strong mutual attraction and immediate availability, is for both to delay saying "thank you" at end of tanda, waiting for other person to speak first. Delay that continues across cortina implies couple will dance next tanda together, and perhaps dance all night long if neither partner ever says "thank you".
If only motive for dancing is mate-seeking, then tendency to only dance with persons who sexually attract you, which greatly limits choice of dance partners, which soon makes it obvious to everyone what you are up to, which then creates pressured situation for anyone who invites you to dance (if you are a woman) or accepts your invitation (if you are a man). Final result is you dance very seldom, are bored at the milongas, and probably never meet the mate you are seeking. Much better if you can enjoy dancing even with partners who you do not find sexually attractive, so that mate-seeking is secondary motive and primary motive is experience-seeking or pleasure-seeking.
Common for only one member of couple to attend milonga, because other partner does not enjoy dancing. Also common for single women to wear wedding rings to avoid unwanted attention from men, and for married men to remove wedding rings because rings are dangerous when working with machinery. So to know true relationship status of unaccompanied dancers, best to explicitly ask. If reply is that they are currently in a relationship, either they are lying because they are not interested in you other than as dance partner, or they are telling the truth, in which case you should wait for them to notify you if and when their current relationship ends.
Above points apply less strictly to tango classes, especially beginner classes, than milongas. That is, more acceptable at beginner class than at milonga for man to engage in conversation with woman who showed some interest in him while dancing, and then to ask her on date if conversation goes well. As discussed elsewhere in this document, beginner classes typically provide better selection of singles than milongas and so those whose primary goal is mate-seeking should simply repeat beginner class over and over versus attending milongas or intermediate classes.
Because tango is danced closely, important to keep clothes clean smelling, but because of exertion while dancing, shirt underarms may become fouled by perspiration smells, which are sometimes difficult to remove by hand washing shirt in sink.
What I do is following: immediately after returning home from milonga, remove collar stays from shirt, fill sink with warm water, wet shirt thoroughly, rub liquid soap or shampoo against area of shirt around underarms and where women's left underarm may have rested against right sleeve, agitate shirt into soapy water, rinse until soap removed, squeeze shirt into ball to expel excess water (do NOT wring shirt, as this will break seams), replace collar stays, hang shirt to air dry.
If process just described insufficient to to remove all smell, then before hanging shirt to dry, dip both underarms into cup containing small amount of Revivex Odor Eliminator by GearAid (previously known as Mirazyme by McNett) diluted by water. Any smell not removed by soap will be consumed by enzymes as shirt slowly dries.
Enzymes in Revivex Odor Eliminator should not affect shirt fabric, but best to test on bottom hem initially, just to be safe. Revivex Odor Eliminator can be ordered from REI.com, Amazon.com and other retailers.
In addition to keeping shirt and other clothes clean smelling, men should try to wear something nicer than baggy tee shirt and shorts or blue jeans. Sloppy dress doesn't directly affect dancing, but it does create bad first impression on followers, so may reduce availability of followers willing to dance closely with man. Business quality long sleeve shirt, with cuffs rolled up to mid forearms in warm conditions, and matching quality long pants, is best choice for most men at modern milongas that don't require full dress suit. I prefer dark colors for both shirt and pants myself, but this is optional. Quality tight-fitting black tee-shirt might be okay for men with lean but muscular upper body. I prefer my long sleeve shirt tucked into my pants, however tight-fitting shirts can also look nice even untucked.
Many tango dancers value ability to pivot easily, which requires slippery floor and/or slippery soles on shoes, especially leather soles specifically designed for dancing. Other dancers prefer less slipperiness. So there is potential for conflict.
Floor can be made more slippery by first cleaning of sticky substances like dried residue from spilled sugary soft drinks, then waxing and polishing, and finally sprinkling talc or chalk. Talc/chalk is bad idea, in my opinion, because of difficulty determining exact amount to pour and then distributing evenly, plus dust contaminates premises (audio equipment and other electronics, food being served, people's lungs, etc). Better idea is to focus on making floor slippery enough through cleaning, waxing and polishing to satisfy dancers who want maximal slipperiness, then allow dancers to reduce slipperiness on individual basis by modifying shoe soles.
Shoes can be made less slippery by: applying rosin to leather soles; dampening leather soles with water; using rubber instead of leather soles; inserting strips of rubber at edges of leather sole to use as brakes while center of sole remains leather (shoe repair shops in Buenos Aires specialize in adding such rubber inserts). My preference is to simply dampen leather soles with water, such as by stepping on wet towel laid on floor (arrange towel in shallow plastic container to keep water from leaking away). Excess dampness will soon evaporate and insufficient dampness can be easily increased by stepping on wet towel again, so degree of slipperiness reduction easy to adjust. Traces of dampness transferred from shoes to floor will almost immediately evaporate, leaving floor unchanged for other dancers. Whereas rosin is not so easy to apply, nor to reduce if excess applied, and traces of rosin transferred from shoes to floor will permanently reduce floor slipperiness for other dancers.
My preferred tango shoes for quality dance floors are men's ballet flats (Capezio brand Hanami model with suede sole patches and canvas upper, size 16W), dampened with water to reduce slipperiness. If no wet towel available at milonga premises, then soak shoes in sink before milonga, and possibly visit restroom during milonga and soak again as water evaporates. For very rough floors, as in some nightclubs without dedicated dance floor, I use rubber sole street shoes.
Best exercise to maintain strength and balance required for dancing correctly is simply to dance correctly. However, beginning dancers sometimes need preliminary work, without which they are unable to dance correctly and so develop bad habits.
Excellent exercise for both core stability and balance is standing motionless on one foot for extended length of time (60+ seconds). To make exercise more difficult, cross arms over chest and close eyes, or try standing motionless on front of foot only.
Planks (downward facing, side, upward facing) also build core stability.
Shoulder stability (important for leaders) can be improved with: pullups; side planks with fully extended supporting arm; kettleball exercises.
My first exposure to tango music and dance was around year 1991, at milonga with lesson hosted at Argentine embassy in Washington, DC. Event was poorly advertised, so only two couples and myself showed up. Man instructor worked with the couples while woman instructor partnered with me, since no single women in attendance. I was an experienced salsa dancer by then, but had some trouble picking up tango moves, so I suggested to woman that we keep things simple, and proceeded to use same dance style used for close hold salsa dancing, which equates in tango to apilado embrace and mirror steps in parallel walking system. Woman commented that I had exceptional sense of musicality, as good as anyone she had ever danced with, at least for some songs, though for other songs I was obviously a complete beginner. Neither she nor I understood that my "musicality" was simply applying to tango same rubato or polyrhythm step timimg that comes naturally to intermediate salsa dancers: 3 evenly spaced steps per 4 beats of music, hence 2 steps off beat. (Beginning salsa dancers use quick-quick-slow step timing, so all steps on beat.) Probably I unconsciously applied some rubato to this 3:4 polyrhythm to match any 332 rhythm in the music or maybe I alternated 3 steps in one measure with 2 in the next, then unconsciously applied rubato to give 5 steps in 8 beats. Those 3:4 and 5:8 step patterns will work for many tangos, but not all, hence my difficulty with some of the music. I probably had no problems with vals, which was always the easiest rhythm for me, but likely messed up milonga completely.
Tango dancing was not popular then in Washington, DC, so I didn't follow up on that experience with further tango dance lessons or milongas, but instead resumed salsa dancing, in a style which emphasized fancy turns while holding hands and with frequent "cross-body leads" to add motion. My salsa skills had developed to where partners and spectators alike frequently complimented me, especially whenever I demonstrated how I could take girls who had never danced salsa before and have them dancing at intermediate level with zero instruction other than repeating "quick, quick, slow" several times while rocking the girl onto the beat, then away we'd go with turns. Other girls in her group would then line up to dance with me. However, outer signs of success concealed inner failure, in that I was becoming bored and even disgusted by my dancing. It felt like a job, entertaining partners and spectators but getting nothing for myself. Underlying problem was that fancy turns disconnected me from music other than underlying beat, but music is more important to me than dancing or even prospect of meeting a girlfriend, which is what initially attracted me to dancing.
[As an aside, one advantage of salsa compared with tango dancing is that, with salsa dancing, man has option to gracefully switch to unconnected freestyle dancing with incompatible women. Whereas releasing partner and then continuing to dance separately would be considered rude with tango. Too bad, because tango could really use a way to deal with partner incompatibilities that only become evident after invitation to dance accepted, other than current methods of either persisting with dance that at least one partner is not enjoying, or else abandoning dance before end of tanda, which creates a scene. Also, it was then the custom in the USA to sometimes dance only one salsa song even if both partners were enjoying themselves, and other times dance two songs, so saying "thank you" after one song caused no offense. Compare with four songs in a tango tanda, with expectation to dance all songs.]
I then had two interesting salsa dances where women specifically asked me to remain in close hold, with no turns. Neither of these women attracted me sexually, but yet these dances were more pleasurable in every way than dances involving fancy turns with women who I found extremely sexually attractive, at least until we started dancing, at which point my disgust with fancy turns was transferred to my partner and her attractiveness in my eyes disappeared. Shortly after these two experiences, I observed some older Cuban couples dancing in a more musical way to salsa, and I resolved to imitate them. Unfortunately, not many women were like those two who had specifically asked for close hold without turns. On the contrary, most women were visibly unhappy without fancy turns, so I was forced to return to my previous style, until finally my disgust became such that I gave up salsa dancing entirely.
By then I was living in San Francisco, where tango dancing was starting to become popular, so I decided to try that instead. I immediately saw that the style of dancing taught in tango lessons corresponded to the showy style of salsa dancing I had come to detest, and so I took my simple-looking but musically-oriented salsa dance style and applied to tango, same as I had done at the embassy milonga several years previously. From there I gradually and mostly unconsciously developed my current tango dance style, called "rubato style" in this document, by simply letting music direct my movements so as to create maximum pleasure in my own body. Because follower mirrors leader in parallel walking system, she will feel same movements and hence similar pleasure in her body, assuming compatible music sensibility.
Most of my regular partners then were much older Argentine expats who had lived in Buenos Aires during the tango Golden Age (1940-1946), then emigrated to San Francisco later. As with that instructor in Washington, these older women were very appreciative of my musicality and not disturbed either by my lack of fancy steps or any sexual feelings aroused by dancing closely with me rubato style. Americans and younger Argentine women, by contrast, avoided dancing with me.
In addition to feeling better to me for dancing to traditional tango music, rubato dancing works very well for late 1950's tango (late Troilo and Pugliese, Varela, etc), and for Astor Piazzolla and other modern tango music, and also for many forms of non-tango music such as electronic dance music. This was convenient, because such non-traditional music was commonly played at some milongas in San Francisco in the 1990's. There was also a weekly milonga then with live performances by the modern tango group Parlando (no longer in existence, but I have a recording of their work), with usually just a small number of people in attendance, sponsored by a wealthy local couple. Husband of this couple was unable to dance due to hip problems, so I would sometimes dance several hours with his wife while he watched. Even Argentine experts took note of me when modern tango music was playing, because I was usually one of the few men in attendance who could dance well to it. Sometimes I and my partner had the floor to ourselves as the other dancers walked off in disgust, muttering "this music is undanceable", despite seeing that I had no trouble dancing to it.
My appreciation for classic era tango music (music recorded in Buenos Aires between approximately 1926 and 1960, with peak during "Golden Age" of 1940-1946) has steadily increased over the years. Philosophers sometimes distinguish between Apollinian (appealing to higher rational mind) and Dionysian (appealing to lower instinctual mind) impulses in art. My own higher mind perceives beauty in western classical music, such as Beethoven or Chopin (or the avant-garde classical composer Morton Feldman or some bebop era jazz), but such music does nothing for my lower mind, which is the ultimate source of life energy and life satisfaction. Whereas popular modern dance music typically strongly affects my lower mind but leaves my higher mind disgusted, due to absence of intelligence and complexity in most popular modern music. Only classic era tango (and to a lesser degree danceable classic/swing era jazz and danceable and rhythmically complex Latin music other than tango, such as salsa) simultaneously satisfies both my higher and lower mind: "intoxicates" and "enraptures" me in the positive sense of those words, versus stupifying me with crude emotions or leaving me emotionally unaffected. Tango is the music I mostly listen to nowadays, including while having sex, assuming I get to choose. When traveling, I sometimes listen to tango music ten or more hours straight, during long bus rides and flights and airport layovers, and never grow bored by it.
After closing my software business around year 2000, I moved from San Francisco to Reno as legal residence in USA, began traveling, and gave up tango dancing until 2017, when I resumed dancing in Europe, during summer stays in big cities there. Few European women of any age like my tango dance style: those who dance with me once typically don't want a repeat, those who watch me dancing with another woman typically decide they don't want to even try dancing with me. So I dance very seldom, but this doesn't bother me. My primary motive for attending milongas is entertainment and socializing: someplace to go in the evening and listen to music I love. What would really turn me away from milongas is not lack of dance partners, but rather being forced to dance in a style that doesn't match my feeling as to how tango music should be converted into movement. Failure to dance my own style caused me to lose interest altogether in salsa dancing, and I don't want that to happen with tango dancing.
This document was written after several clumsy attempts to explain my tango dance style, in response to inquiries from followers as to why I felt so different from other leaders. Because I don't follow myself, I originally wasn't even aware that I had drifted so far from conventional tango dance style taught in classes, and had begun "stepping to my own beat", so to speak, and dancing differently from everyone else. So writing this document was something of a process of self-discovery.