All content copyright © 2010-2024 Frank Revelo, www.frankrevelo.com
Biological reason for sexual activity is reproduction, however reproduction is merely byproduct of satisfying physiological desires for increased sexual pleasure and decreased painful sexual tension. That is, animals do not mate because they want offspring. They mate because they are driven by physiological urges stronger than their urges to eat, drink, sleep or avoid physical injury, in the case of some animals in the mating season, and then pregnancy of female naturally ensues. In the case of mammals, mother typically bonds hormonally to offspring during birth process, and there may also be socially programmed mating and parental behaviors.
Cheap and effective birth control means humans can now satisfy physiological mating urges without pregnancy, implying reproduction nowadays primarily results from socially programmed mating and parental behavior system. Because this programmed system lacks direct feedback between behavior and increased physiological pleasure or reduced physiological pain, easy for something to go wrong such that large numbers of humans lose desire to reproduce, which is what is happening nowadays.
"Children are like flowers on the path of life" describes how many traditional people feel about children. To these people, childlessness is like empty flower beds filled with good soil: why not plant some flowers and then enjoy watering and viewing them? But what if soil is known to be poisoned with chemicals so nothing can grow properly in it, plus flower beds are due to demolished next month to make room for a parking lot, plus you only pass the flower beds at night so wouldn't notice flowers if there were any, plus government now charges huge fees for growing flowers for some reason. Under these conditions, leaving the flower beds empty seems the more natural, wholesome thing to do, while planting flowers in them is what seems abnormal, monstrous, perverted. Perhaps exaggerated metaphor, but gets the idea across: for many modern people, especially well educated urban westerners, childlessness seems normal. No sense of deprivation or emptiness whatsoever at not having children. On the contrary, sense of relief.
Note that decline in desire for reproduction often accompanied by increase in desire for non-reproductive sexual activity (socially programmed desires in all cases): either desire for huge quantities of partner sex, or for huge quantities of new partners, or for huge quantities of offers for partner sex (because some people just want to feel sexually desired by other people, especially people considered highly desirable themselves by society, versus actually having sex with these other people).
Current situation cannot last indefinitely, of course. Either those people who feel no desire to reproduce under current conditions will go extinct, and next generation will only consist of people who do desire to reproduce under current conditions, or conditions will change, either physical and social environment or social programming or both.
Most likely change is for grandparents and other relatives to replace parents for child-rearing to a much greater extent than is currently typical among well educated urban westerners, and for society to become increasingly matrilineal, meaning ancestry traced through mothers and children of both sexes remain close to mother throughout life, as is already common in primitive societies and among less educated lower classes in modern western society. (Matrilineal is to be distinguished from matriarchal, meaning women rule extended family, since matrilineal extended families can be ruled by males: brothers rule sisters, uncles rule children of their sister, etc.) Even now, well educated urban westerners age 40 and up tend to have more time available for child-rearing than those age 20-40, and time available will likely increase in the future due to shortened work week and more working from home. That is, well educated urban westerners tend to be extremely busy with their education and careers from age 20-40, but less busy as they get older, and many voluntarily early retire or are forced from their jobs at age 50 and are thenceforth mostly idle. It thus makes sense for these people to move child-rearing from 20-40 age range to age 40+. Child-bearing, on the other hand, is constrained by biology to occur under age 40.
Age range 19-25 of mother tends to produce healthiest babies and fewest health problems for mother, and this age range is also when factors which inhibit reproduction among well educated urban westerners are most easily overwhelmed by biological urge to reproduce. In particular, well educated urban western women in this age range would normally be undergoing education, and interrupting and postponing completion of education to bear children would typically be less of an inhibiting factor than interrupting a fledgling career. What currently stops well educated urban western women age 19-25 from reproducing is that they are not willing to be single mothers at that age nor are they ready to commit to marriage, even assuming they can find a suitable husband. If child-rearing costs and responsibilities can be shifted to grandparents and other other relatives, single motherhood at age 19-25 becomes much more attractive. Single motherhood in turn replaces problem of finding high-quality husband with much easier problem of finding high-quality sperm donor. Behavioral problems currently common in modern western society among children raised by single mother with no father present should disappear if father substituted for by male relatives of mother (brothers of mother, brothers of grandmother, etc).
To achieve happiness, which is the purpose of life, we must either satisfy existing desires regarding material world, which is often difficult, especially if it requires getting other people to do and think as we want, or we can reprogram mind so that socially programmed or otherwise learned desires (versus innate physiological desires) are made easier to satisfy in material world. Partial reprogramming of mind often less difficult than satisfying learned desires, whereas full reprogramming, especially full elimination of all learned desires, usually impossible. So first understand existing mental programming, then distinguish what can and cannot be changed, reprogram learned desires if this is easier than satisfying original version, satisfy remaining desires in material world.
Sexual desire and pleasure are ultimately physiological brain phenomena (chemical buildup and/or chemical release in the brain) but strongly influenced by psychological (mental) social programming. In particular, partner sex is mostly not about the partner, but about what we think about the partner, as is clear from following thought experiment: "Man puts penis through hole in wall and feels same physical sensations regardless of whether on other side is vagina of beautiful woman, vagina of ugly woman, vagina of animal, or artificial vagina, while woman places vagina against hole in wall and feels same physical sensations regardless of whether penetrated from other side by attractive man's penis, unattractive man's penis, animal's penis or artificial penis."
Most human sexuality is mostly about measuring up to socially programmed expectations, rather than about physical pleasure or reproduction. Humans who can attract socially approved partners, and who behave in socially approved ways with and elicit socially approved responses from those socially approved partners, are socially programmed to feel like happy successes (or unhappy failures if they cannot do the preceding). In theory, mind can be reprogrammed such that it no longer cares about social approval but rather only about physical pleasure. In which case, partner sex with socially approved partners can be replaced by partner sex with arbitrary partners, or by sex with animals, or by sex with robots, or by masturbation with/without imaginary partner. In practice, radical reprogramming of mind required to allow these substitutions is difficult.
In practice, "socially approved" means "above average " in some or all of ways we judge prospective mates for sexual attractiveness. Some of these measures of attractiveness are subjective, so above average in eyes of one person might be below average in eyes of another, but regardless, there are still clearly many people who are below average in everyone's eyes. Since below average people are socially programmed to want above average mates, but above average people also want above average, below average are doomed to frustration. So while radical reprogramming of mind regarding sexuality is difficult, it may be the only way for some people to improve happiness.
Partner sex tends to have long-term negative effect on happiness for those with strong preference for solitude. Unfortunately, social programming to engage in partner sex typically very strong in youth, so that we have little choice but to participate. Also, it is difficult to reprogram learned desire for partner sex until we have enough bad experiences to justify this reprogramming.
Partners who are "suitable" (according to social programming) for long-term relationship with respect to age, looks, social status, education, personality, family background, life goals, etc are likely, via slippery slope effect, to lead to marriage and children. If we already are certain that marriage and children will lead to long-term reduced happiness, then we must avoid suitable mates.
Partners who are unsuitable because we find them unattractive are bad idea. First, because prospective partners will likely detect our lack of attraction and be offended and reject our advances, so waste of our time and theirs. Second, if we somehow manage to engage in sex with such partners, feeling afterwards will be one of disgust. Better options are partners who are only temporarily available: traveling: already in relationship and want clandestine affair; big enough age difference that long-term relationship highly unlikely. Prostitutes might be good choice for gaining sexual experience, especially for learning to delay orgasm (prostitutes normally try to speed up man's orgasm, so if he can resist prostitute, he should be plenty ready for civilian women) but prostitutes typically block all feelings for clients, which tends to make them unattractive and sex with them boring.
Having tried both suitable partners and unsuitable partners of all types listed above, plus long periods of solo masturbation as substitute for partner sex and finally long periods of complete sexual abstinence, my conclusion is that there is no perfect option. Suitable partners do indeed quickly lead to pressures (voices inside the mind from previous social programming, voices from outside constituting ongoing social programming) to settle down and start a family, and breaking up with suitable partner to avoid these pressures leaves bad aftertaste. Short-term relationships leave another type of bad aftertaste. Relationships with unattractive women leave even worse aftertaste. Prostitutes are boring and can leave another bad aftertaste. (Note that some prostitutes do not leave bad aftertaste and thus are best option for quickly and mostly painlessly gaining sexual experience, for those with money.) Age differences that would initially seem to make long-term relationship impossible are forgotten eventually, so same bitterness breaking up as with similar age partner. Masturbation has a variety of negative side effects (obvious if frequent masturbation, more subtle side effects for infrequent masturbation) and thus should be avoided other than as part of sexual training during youth, especially training orgasm control (sexual kung fu). Finally, complete sexual abstinence leads to feeling of sexual deprivation—"missing out on fun other people are having"—which is socially programmed but difficult to ignore when young, though difficulty lessens with age, especially if we have plenty of previous sexual experience.
In summary, even preferentially solitary people usually have to gain sexual experience to be fully happy, not because sexual experiences themselves bring happiness, but because sexual experiences in youth make it possible to reprogram mind to be happy with abstinence and solitude later in life.
Without sexual inhibitions rational pleasure-maximizing behavior is to replace complications of heterosexual sex in favor of homosexuality/lesbianism or else bypass partner sex entirely in favor of masturbation (possibly aided by artifical vaginas, dildos, vibrators, sex dolls and similar sex aids) or sex with animals. Societies which allow our even encourage elimination of sexual inhibitions will be replaced by societies with strict moral codes. Note that extinction of society does not imply unhappiness of individuals who compose society.
Cycling between strict and lax moral codes, with eventual extinction of societies which allow excessively lax moral codes, will ultimately result in societies whose moral codes are so deeply embedded that they cannot be recognized as such, thus cannot be attacked. In such societies, there will typically be flamboyant displays of uninhibited sexuality by minority (masturbating in public, for example) while majority continues to highly inhibited in sexual behavior, without even realizing it.
Taoists distinguish clitoral, vaginal and cervical orgasms in woman. In my opinion, clitoral and cervical are simply extremes on continuum of possibilities for orgasm focus, with similar continuum for men. Clitoral or penile glans orgasm is externally focused, whereas cervical or penile base orgasm is internally focused. At least in men, valley orgasm and thus multi-orgasmic capability requires internal focus. External focus (on penile glans) will certainly cause peak orgasm, however peak orgasm also possible with internal focus but incorrect manipulation of muscles.
In addition to allowing for multiple orgasms, internal focus creates greater deeper satisfaction with sex act, and thus should be goal of both men and women. That is, men should avoid focus on penis glans and women on clitoris, in favor of sensations deeper in body.
These and other aspects of Taoist Sexual Kung Fu are discussed in Taoist Secrets of Love -- Cultivating Male Sexual Energy by Mantak Chia (1984), who wrote many other books and is featured in many videos on YouTube. Beware of anyone who emphasizes tensing pelvic muscles as secret of sexual kung fu. True sexual kung fu requires relaxing muscles (to allow valley orgasm) rather than tensing muscles.
Men are strongly socially programmed to desire sexual competency, so men must learn to perform penis in vagina sex properly. Missionary and other front entry positions are best to master, because these allow pressure on clitoris using man's body, whereas with rear entry positions, clitoris can only be stimulated with man's or woman's hand. Assistance by hands sends undesirable subconscious message that man's penis alone is inadequate to job properly. (Bringing woman to orgasm by oral sex or using vibrator or other sex toys sends this message even more strongly.) If woman able to have vaginal or cervical orgasm without direct clitoral stimulation, then rear entry positions work fine.
Regardless of position, man must learn to control his orgasm long enough to bring about woman's orgasm. Cervical orgasm typically takes about 10-30 minutes, not counting foreplay, but it could occur much faster (even within seconds) in highly aroused or quick-to-boil woman, or it could take longer if woman is tense and so must first relax. For missionary position, in addition to refraining from orgasm, man needs to hold elbows-knees plank for entire time period, with only small amount of weight on woman's chest, so he needs to be in good physical condition.
"Pounding" woman for 10-30 minutes or longer will just bore her and make her genital area numb. Instead, man needs to thrust with carefully controlled rhythm and be sensitive to woman's responses to thrusts.
It helps greatly if man has mastered Taoist sexual kung fu, so that he can have multiple valley orgasms before final ejaculatory peak orgasms (or avoid peak orgasm entirely if he is older). This allows him to continue thrusting without break while releasing excess sexual tension via repeated valley orgasms. Stopping movement to avoid peak orgasm interferes with woman's excitation, whereas valley orgasm in man typically increases woman's excitation. Especially if women is slow-to-boil type, she will be grinding against man and thrashing about for several minutes as she approaches orgasm, which tends to greatly excite man. It takes considerable skill and discipline ("sexual kung fu" literally translates as "sexual discipline") for man to ride out this storm and avoid going over the edge into peak orgasm until after woman has fully orgasmed.
Keeping penis buried completely in vagina, then rhythmically increasing and decreasing pressure against woman, is better than moving penis in and out of vagina. First, less stimulation of penis, at least once man becomes accustomed to sensation of penis buried deep in vagina, so less risk of peak orgasm. Second, more friction against clitoris, assuming missionary or other front entry position. Note that man should be sensitive to woman's desires for clitoral friction and adjust pressure (light versus heavy) to accommodate. Third, penis deep in vagina is what causes cervical orgasm, so the more time deep, the better.
As woman approaches orgasm, man will typically feel tightening of muscles at bottom of vagina, then sudden release of this tightness as woman orgasms. Man should continue thrusting for several minutes after release of tightness, ideally having multiple valley orgasms before optional final peak orgasm, since woman enjoys man's thrusts and orgasms for at least several minutes after her orgasm. If woman is multi-orgasmic, there may be multiple tightening/release cycles in vagina: another reason for man to continue thrusting.
Average sized penis is long enough to bring about cervical orgasm in average depth vagina, where average varies based on body size and race. Tall-bodied African and northern European men and women have longest penises and deepest vaginas, whereas length/depth both less for short-bodied southeast Asians. Woman can tilt her pelvis to add/subtract at least five centimeters of depth in vagina, to accommodate different sized penises. So extra large or extra long penis not necessarily advantage, especially since such penises sometimes have problems getting solid erections. If penis too large even after woman tilts pelvis to make vagina deeper, man can simply penetrate partially. If penis too short after woman tilts pelvis to make vagina shallower, then cervical orgasm might be impossible. But vaginal and clitoral orgasms will still possible.
Both men and women should perform Kegel exercises. Strong pelvic muscles needed to avoid peak orgasm in man, to enable cervical orgasm in woman, to permit multiple orgasms in both sexes. Regular sex with multiple orgasms for man and cervical orgasm for woman is effectively best possible Kegel exercise.
Sex leading to cervical orgasm would look boring to spectators, if there were any, because of long period with penis buried deep in vagina and no movement other than increase and decrease of pressure at genital area. Such sex will also feel boring to those weaned on steady diet of visually exciting pornography. However, such sex tends to creates stronger long-term bonding between man and woman than more exciting sex, does not arouse disruptive energies, and is sustainably enjoyable, promoting long-term relationships. Once partners become accustomed to sex with cervical orgasm, desire for exciting sex tends to disappear. Analogy might be plain water versus soft drinks loaded with sugar which disrupts metabolism, caffeine which disrupts sleep, phosphoric acid which rots teeth. Plain water is boring to people accustomed to such soft drinks, whereas such soft drinks disgusting to health-conscious people accustomed to plain water.
During sex with tango music playing, thrusting with rubato or polyrhythm timing (3 thrusts per 4 or 8 beats, etc) sometimes has powerful effect on woman. As with dancing, goal is to convert music to movement as closely as possible. Also as with dancing, beginners tend to respond to vals more powerfully than tango or milonga.
Naturally promiscuous women are often easy to please sexually, so they can enjoy sex with any man (and can easily replace lovers) whereas naturally monogamous marriage quality women are often difficult to please sexually, so that they can only enjoy sex with some men (thus cannot easily replace lovers). "Slow to boil" tendency acts as filtering mechanism, to select for men who are likely to stick with woman long-term after pregnancy. Presumably, in olden times, woman would first test man for long-term reliability by requiring long courtship, then by sex during non-fertile time of month (days immediately preceding menstruation). Only after man demonstrated capacity for long-term relationship would woman allow sex during fertile time of month. Obviously, possible for determined non-monogamous man to defeat this filtering mechanism, but most non-monogamous men would simply take easier path of sex with promiscuous women. (Both promiscuous and marriage quality younger women typically require payment of some sort, if not money then time and energy, and payment typically higher for marriage quality, so lower cost not reason to prefer marriage quality.)
If woman is slow-to-boil and marries man who satisfies her desire for long-term relationship but is unable to satisfy her sexually (most commonly, because man orgasms too soon, but bad rhythm and other problems also possible), then she will begin to dread sex, because she is always left unsatisfied, and eventually will refuse sex altogether. Slow-to-boil women are typically reluctant to give man verbal feedback about his sex techniques. Man must learn to "listen" attentively to woman's body versus asking her questions.
Every sex act, and especially every sex act that leads to orgasm, sends subconscious message and tends to reprogram mind. Strongest pair bond results from sexual fidelity and regular penis in vagina sex with orgasm for both man and woman, because each member of couple is dependent on other for sexual pleasure. No such dependence with sexual infidelity or if one or both members of couple masturbates. Using woman's mouth or anus or hands to give man orgasm sends message that woman could be replaced by man. Using man's mouth or hands to give woman orgasm sends message that man could be replaced by woman. Pornography and sex toys send messages that partner is inadequate at arousing and/or satisfying sexual desire. Sex without pleasure sends message that either man or woman or both would be better off alone. And so on. Slow but steady devaluing of partner continues and pair bond eventually breaks. (In cases of bodily limitations, such as damaged penis or damaged vagina, above advice recommending exclusively penis in vagina sex obviously does not apply.)
Similarly, ability to pair bond will eventually be destroyed by repeated instances of non pair bond sex, as mind is reprogrammed. This is especially true for slow-to-boil women, who have the strongest ability to pair bond. Repeated instances of sex without orgasm followed by abandonment by man will cause these women to turn away from men and sex entirely. Such women should be very hesitant about imitating or taking advice from naturally promiscuous women. Men almost always have orgasms during sex, but are still affected by promiscuity, because it tends to shape how they view women. That is, if man is initiated into sex by naturally promiscuous women, then he will assume all women are naturally promiscuous and should be treated as such. If and when such a man encounters a slow-to-boil woman, he will make little effort to delay his orgasm to bring about orgasm in woman and he will not bother committing to woman long-term because he assumes she will be unfaithful. In the past, slow-to-boil women protected themselves from naturally promiscuous men by requiring lengthy courtship before sex, but society nowadays programs all young men and women to believe that lengthy courtship is abnormal. Indeed lengthy courtship is abnormal for naturally promiscuous men and women, but not for slow-to-boil women or their male counterparts.
If woman has regular sex with man for period of six months or so but doesn't get pregnant, either she or man is likely infertile. Since woman won't know which, it makes evolutionary sense for her to assume man is infertile and replace him. To implement this behavior biologically, women feels pleasure during sex and for several days afterwards, via chemicals released in brain during orgasm, then later feels painfully depressed as chemicals degrade and turn toxic. Time between orgasm and hangover and pain level of hangover can be calibrated genetically such that it takes woman about six months to establish subconscious connection between hangover and man she is having regular sex with, but to never associate hangover with sex itself, nor with men in general, nor with men she is having occasional rather than regular sex with. Starting with pregnancy and continuing through end of nursing, different chemicals produced to prevent orgasm hangover, possibly increase woman's sex drive, cause woman to bond closely to whatever man/men she is then having sex with. Once nursing stops, woman reverts to situation of experiencing orgasm hangovers and being repelled by sex partner after six months of regular orgasms without pregnancy.
For men, it makes evolutionary sense to have different sort of orgasm hangover, one which causes man to be immediately disgusted by woman, but which boosts man's sexual desire so that he is motivated to have sex with another woman. Biologically based programming like this would be selected for during mass rape situations, such as aftermath of defeating enemy tribe and thus having temporary access to multiple fertile women. Obviously, lingering disgust with particular woman, with women in general, or with sex in general, would be highly unfit evolutionarily. Lingering disgust easily overcome by making male sex drive high enough to overwhelm subconscious associations between sex and orgasm hangovers. No need for man to be programmed to split with woman who doesn't get pregnant within six months, since programming already resides in woman. Also, it costs man little to continue pumping sperm into woman who is infertile or has bad genes, provided he is also pumping sperm into other women. That is, simplest and most evolutionarily advantageous biological programming for men is high enough sex drive that men will pump sperm into any receptive woman who doesn't have contagious diseases.
In modern society, with couples who are not actively trying to get woman pregnant, both male and female orgasm hangovers will cause relationship problems and so should be avoided. Women in modern society are less dependent on men than in natural state of small tribes of hunter gatherers, and hence less willing to tolerate men's post-coital disgust, which is especially troublesome when man and woman live together in close quarters. At least man's disgust is temporary, whereas woman's disgust will be devastating to relationship after six months or so. Orgasm hangovers can be avoided by replacing peak orgasms with valley orgasms (relax pelvic area while simultaneously drawing sexual energy up spinal column then lowering to stomach, to avoid Kundalini syndrome if energy left in head).
Theory of orgasm hangover based on Cupid's Poisoned Arrow by Marnia Robinson (2009), but idea that peak orgasm is harmful predates this book. In particular, ancient Taoists strongly warned men against loss of semen, which is closely related to peak orgasm. Female circumcision (aka female genital mutilation) may be way of preventing peak orgasms and thus orgasm hangover in women, and thus preventing women from becoming disgusted with husbands after six months of regular sex without pregnancy. Similarly, male circumcision may be way of encouraging men to focus on base of penis rather than glans and replace peak with valley orgasms.
Homosexuality, lesbianism, gender dysphoria, transsexualism, pedophilia and other sexual abnormalities occur because so-called "sex instinct" is mostly programmed during early childhood development and programming can deviate from natural course, which is towards heterosexual pair bonding, which is only programming that results in successful reproduction under natural hunter gatherer conditions. Genes coded in DNA determine protein formation which results in mature human body. Part of body functioning is cyclical build-up of sexual tension as result of accumulation of hormones, similar to how other bodily cycles operate (hunger, sleep/wake, etc). Combination of early childhood and later programming determines how sexual tension is released, not genes.
Early childhood programming is typically very difficult or impossible to change, whereas later programming typically can be changed. For example, homosexual and pedophile desires are usually result of faulty early childhood programming and impossible to change, whereas decision to satisfy those desires in reality or not is result of later social programming, which can be changed.
Percentage of men and women with abnormal early childhood sexual programming is fairly constant across modern societies, at about 3-5% male abnormalites (mostly homosexuals) and 1% female abnormalites. Male percentage is probably higher because hormone levels related to sexual desire are so much stronger in males than females, including during early childhood development, and high sexual pressure results in high dispersion from normal path. High percentage of abnormalities in males is offset by advantage of high hormone levels in normal men. Normal men with high hormone levels, and thus high pressure to engage in sex, out-compete men with low hormone level at sexual reproduction, so genes driving high hormone level are only genes to survive. Surge in USA and some other developed western countries in 2010's and early 2020's in percent of young people identifying as non-heterosexual is almost certainly result of teenage social programming (fad, mass hysteria) rather than faulty early childhood programming. Whereas sexual abnormalities due to faulty early childhood development are more common in boys, sexual abnormalities due to teenage social programming might be more common in girls. Teenage social programming can be reprogrammed.
Possible explanation for teenage social programming that is causing increase in sexual abnormalities is that it is side effect of programming that retards normal process of personality maturation. Teenagers are naturally more creative and faster to adapt new technologies than mature adults, whereas adults have more accumulated knowledge and experience. By retarding process of personality maturation, we obtain adult scientists and engineers who are as creative as teenagers, and thus able to push technology forwards more effectively than either normal teenagers or normal adults. Retarding personality maturation probably only benefits society when it occurs among top scientists and engineers and costs society when it occurs in the rest of the population, with sexual abnormalities as one of these costly side effects. Because of importance of technology in modern society (think of invention of nuclear weapons and current development of computer controlled drones), retarding process of personality maturation in entire population is still probably overall beneficial.
Dictionary definition of prostitution is "sex for payment", but frequent change of sex partner is more important than payment in understanding effect of prostitution on individuals and society. As noted previously, most aspect of human sexual behavior are learned rather than "pre-wired" by bodily composition as determined by DNA. Pair-bonding is one of those rare behaviors that is pre-wired, via oxytocin chemical and its receptors. Oxytocin is released under several conditions: (1) during childbirth, to cause mother to bond to child; (2) during sexual orgasm, to cause bonding between sex partners; (3) during grooming behaviors, which are most common among blood relatives and sex partners. Mother-child bond is obviously essential to reproductive success, and bonding to blood relatives probably also serves both survival and reproductive evolutionary imperatives. Less evident is why bonding between sex partners is so important that it needs to be pre-wired chemically, but it is easy to concoct theories as to why this might be so.
Without ability to pair bond, traditional marriage for life becomes infeasible. Double-blind experiments with respect to pair bonding are obviously impossible, but there is non-rigorous evidence that frequent change of sex partners greatly diminishes ability of humans to pair bond. Paid prostitution and non-paid promiscuity both involve frequent change of sex partners, and thus destruction of ability to pair bond, which is why it is reasonable to think of modern promiscuous women as being effectively unpaid prostitutes, and modern men who consort with these women can be thought of as effectively non-paying prostitute clients (aka johns or punters).
Women who act like unpaid prostitutes during their youth lose abilities both to pair bond and to submit to men as wives, and thus become ruined for marriage, and only foolish men marry such women (unless woman is much richer than man). Because most modern women act like unpaid prostitutes, most of them are unfit for marriage. Men who act like non-paying prostitute clients similarly become unfit for marriage, however it is much easier for average young woman to quickly rack up a high notch count of sex partners than average young man. Some studies suggest a small minority of handsome and charismatic young men monopolize all the young women. For example, 10 young men each have sex with 100 young women, 90 young men have no sex partner until they marry one of these unfit-for-marriage women, marriage soon becomes sexless, wife dominates husband, wife has affair with one of the 10 handsome and charismatic men, marriage ends in divorce whenever wife decides it is in her financial interest to end it.